Churchgoing

After a brief two year hiatus, I am back at church. Upon returning, I have realized that it is largely the same. This is kind of nice. Sex aside, religion is one of the few remaining ways we can get back in touch with something truly ancient and it’s nice to know, you know, that that is there.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that no matter what church I go to, there are many different people, but these two personalities seem to invariably emerge no matter where I go. I am sure you have met them:

The first is pensive. He laughs occasionally and when he is supposed to, but you can tell he just really doesn’t find anything all that funny. He probably leads a Bible study. He prays, worships, edifies, and as a whole, just looks very, very spiritual. Above all, however, he really enjoys quoting Bible verses. Unfortunately, they are rarely relevant to what is being discussed at hand and even if they are, they are only obliquely so and he always has to explain to you how, in fact, an obscure verse from Deuteronomy is actually related to whatever it was that you were saying. He is convinced he is called either to be a pastor or, depending on how popular he is, a missionary.

The second is a little different. He went to a fancy school and is probably a consultant, or, if he has a liberal arts degree, is Teaching for America. He learned a lot in undergrad and is convinced that the only questions worth discussing have no answers. He has recently discovered that the church is the only place in the world where he can be smart and a Christian at the same time, so he will passionately champion pro-choice/gay rights/midgets/etc. despite not really feeling any strong opinions whatsoever. He prides himself on being able to consider multiple sides of an issue, play devil’s advocate, and objectively entertain and consider diametrically opposed arguments, but let’s be honest, he was going to vote for Obama anyway.

Now, suppose God is a real, rational guy who just hates it when he sees his creation fumble with his gift of reason. Given that both these individuals claim his divine guidance, which one is more exasperating to witness go about his daily task of resolutely pounding square pegs through round holes?